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you shook me all night long. [May 23rd]
i feel like if i look back, i'm a different person today than i was even from last week.
even though some pictures taken lately of me with my longer hair remind me of a distinct picture from grade 8.
i am grown up and yet sometimes i look in the mirror and see the same face i had in grade 8.

i straightened my hair this morning for my first day at work.
by the end of the day, it wasn't that straight anymore.

so who am i?
i need to have a personal inquisition.
my mind keeps conflicting with itself.
not good.
last night i felt very wanton.
i've been feeling more and more like that lately.
not that i mind.

i'm happy with who i am.
or who i think i am.
who i could be.

in general, i can't complain about my life.
i didn't fail first year, i have a summer job that pays above minimal wage, i've usually got plans going on, and i actually have a sex life.
Carrie Bradshaw, move over.
0 I think are in my tree

fools in love. [April 27th]
i feel like i should be posting.

my life is so up and down this week. As I'm  sure most of you know, Ayla died. It hit me kinda hard, although death has a weird effect on me. She was one of my best friends during public school.

on a happier note, my lover came home from university yesterday and actually showed up on my doorstep when i figured i wouldn't see him until sunday. i was tres happy and our reunion was very sweet and by the time he left my heart had melted and i was ready to swoon. i get the loveliest feeling right in the pit of my stomach.

Greenway is coming at 10:15 to take me to Timmy's, then to get Meg and then we three are going to the funeral. i have a bit of time and so i'm procrastinating on getting ready. i am currently chilling in my chair in a blanket and my underwear. i do not like death or grieving people.
0 I think are in my tree

if you want blood, you got it. [March 20th]
i am extremely peachy at the moment.
i finished my anthro paper
i got the book i needed for english
i had tim hortons
i had a nap
my lover is probably coming up this weekend for definate
Julz and i are going to spend friday afternoon downtown eating fries, getting tshirts, trying on bridal dresses and picking up my lover from the bus terminal
i shocked and amazed myself at my brass
and i feel very Great Gatsby in my polo and sweater.

0 I think are in my tree

[March 18th]

i'm so cool.
this is what i finished
on St.Paddy's
instead of going out and drinking.
i repeat: i'm so cool.
0 I think are in my tree

dear love: [March 13th]
i lost my virginity this year.

and i don't regret who i lost it to, the time, the place, anything.
what i regret is thinking that it just might be different this time around with this boy.

yes, some things might be different.
right now there's nothing stopping us aside from distance, homework and not wanting to do a relationship long-distance.
but then he's still the same.

sometimes it still amazes me how some things hit me. i think i'll be fine and then boom. i'm just want to cry and sleep and scream.

he was supposed to come up this weekend but can't anymore.
he asked if he could come up next weekend but isn't promising anything.
he makes me want to scream 'fuck you!'
he confuses me so much.

one minute he'll do something and i'll think, 'ok, so maybe this is just a physical thing.'
the next he'll do something and i'll think, 'this has to be more than just physical'
another and it's nothing again
and once again he'll do something and make me think he cares just as much as i do.
i just want to know.
i want him to love me
and i want to scream at him
and i want him to stop saying he's sorry
on msn or on the phone.
i want him to stop ninja'ing my brain and just let it rest in piece.
i want, i want, i want.

fuck me.
i want to cry.
0 I think are in my tree

[February 8th]


Hanson owns my heart at the moment because he did this to me on msn:

Ian: you need to haul your ass to toronto in the next couple hours.
Ian: because there's a Hip concert here tonight and I won two tickets last night.

so Sam's going to hand in my history paper for me and i'm going to try and catch the 3:35 bus to Toronto.

2 I think are in my tree

i have come to a relevation. [January 29th]
no, not really.
but it sounded good, didn't it?

i don't know. i am coming to realize that it's not only my paternal side of my family that is screwed up and that nowadays my maternal side is starting to come up to beat it. Considering my father and i are becoming on good-great terms and i hardly see my stepmother and my brother loves me - or atleast when i help him make block towers.

i also can't believe that it's only, what? fourth week into classes and i feel like i need a vacation or an extremely long nap already. i just feel....more emotionally exhausted than physically really. although it could also be the remnants of my hangover that are making me feel this groggy way.

and because it is now 1:08, officially today i have to apply for residence, by myself, because i am not allowed going off-campus. please, do not ask for reasons, they are my mother's and beyond my mental capacity.

i also have a close reading due on tuesday about a passage from Paradise Lost that i am only somewhat understanding now that i've read it atleast 3 or 4 times over and i'm supposed to have some posters and/or outlines for the posters for my group by today/tomorrow's meeting. my group is a bunch of go-hards and i am not. but today/tomorrow i get to work on my wooden sculpture with sandpaper. hurrah! the one joy of my day.

it doesn't help that i get to hear about Sam and Hannah's renewed search for apartments that i should be living in with them. but no, i'm not.

my family is very confusing. i was angryish and standoffish in the last couple emails to my mother, and received a reply from my stepfather in which he pretended to be talking to my mother about me and how i'm just 'being selfish' and 'will come around when i need or want something from her' and how 'i'm so tough about moving out and living on my own in couple years...but who will pick up after me and do my laundry and cook for me?' here is an update on my life: i've been doing my laundry since i was 12, i am capable of cooking on my own, you always tell me i'm a terrible cook and shouldn't, and mum doesn't pick up after me. i clean my own room, thanks. today i also received an extremely bitter and harsh email from my stepgrandma in response to my ranting about the email from my stepdad - not directed at me, but my mum and mike. i am so confused, it is unbelievable. and i thought the drama with my dad was overwhelming. all i could think earlier was, 'wow, i want my dad.' and 'why aren't things as easy as they are with my dad?'

this is a complete turnaround from what i'd be saying a year or two or three ago.

i am also sad that while i AM making friends up in Guelph, I almost feel like i'm not making enough. i mean, it took me almost 3 and a halfish years to find my 'group' in Oshawa, i don't want it to take that long here. yes, i have made some good friends. but one of the things i miss most about Oshawa is that there my group consisted mostly of my boys. here, i am surrounded by girls. this is a highly populated girls school. hell, there's even a HUGE residence, just for girls. so i am surrounded by girls. and i miss hanging out with guys. this is sad.

and this is the end of my rant.
0 I think are in my tree

[January 20th]
i have a hickey.

the end.
1 I think are in my tree

WOOT! [January 17th]
so basically,
if Sam, Hannah and I get references by Monday
with a cheque for first month's rent with 11 post dated cheques


0 I think are in my tree

you're a dirty man. [January 15th]

my hair is basically to my shoulders now, when straightened.
and pretty much there when not straightened.
as i grow older, i think my hair is starting to tame itself.
or it could just be my imagination.
either or.

it's been awhile since my hair's been this long or this pretty. it's kinda nice.

0 I think are in my tree

i'm such a sucker for corny romance. [January 14th]

you're kinda cool.

message me sometime? ;p



I'm too cool for school.

hmmm, I dunno you're really twisting my arm here. But I guess since I have (obviously) already written this reply it will be ok

P.S. You...are absolutely beautiful.

0 I think are in my tree

i'm hungry. [January 14th]
my art project is melting my brain.

i've got about 1/2-3/4s done and now that it's 1:43 am and i have gotten to possibly the hardest part or atleast a part that my brain does not comprehend to do at the moment, i am quitting for the night.
i am also having a more stimulating conversation with other people that aren't pipe cleaners.

tra la.
0 I think are in my tree

99 red balloons [January 11th]
i have a date when i come home.

yes, it's with a boy.
0 I think are in my tree

my pirate name and the sweetest explanation for it. [January 9th]
Chris - Uhhh...it was you says:
how 'bout The Sarcastic Skurge: Viccio Surf Stare?

viggie stardust:: noise is fun says:
i'll take it

Chris - Uhhh...it was you says:
the sarcastic due to her inate ability to confuse and enrage the enemy into self-defeat or demoralization...or mental breakdown, I've never seen so many navy men cry. And the Surf Stare because when you dare look directly into those eyes of hers you can see the water's very essence within them. they react to you, either as calm as the bay or as ragin as a hurricane. stare too long and the under tow shall carry thee to davey jones' locker

tee hee :)
0 I think are in my tree

neanderthal [January 8th]
i went to my first class this morning.
there was one guy out of about 25 females in the class, not including the prof and the TA.
and he reminded me of a neanderthal.
or a jock who decided to take art as a bird course.
will he be sadly disappointed.

a lot of the people in the class hadn't taken the 2d course last semester.
i have a feeling our class is full of the art history majors.

i also have to go downtown and retrieve art supplies.
and buy textbooks.

i don't have class until 7 now...i'm going to be bored.
0 I think are in my tree

[January 7th]
i had a very ironic meeting with someone today.
it was amusing and could almost be counted as an act of fate.

2 I think are in my tree

love and mercy [December 30th]
so if all goes well

a bunch of us should have one or two motel rooms rented for New Years Eve.

and/or a unfurnished, barely heated cabin up by Presqu'lle. luckily there would be lots of alcohal.

which reminds me, i really should get some. i've basically been mooching off Sam's rum the last two times we've been drinking. whooops.

i have a date with Liz tonight. she's taking me out for my belated birthday <3
0 I think are in my tree

jolly. [December 25th]
it's those times when i feel like the outcast on my dad's side of my family, overthrown by the stepparents and new generation, where gram has to remind my aunt to include me in the family picture of my father, my stepmother and my baby halfbrother...

and then they give me a birthday cake.

sometimes i wonder where i stand in that family. i'm still unsure about how Maria now feels about me. but i feel atleast that Gram and Dad are there for me. They gave me these little comments about how they were proud of me and a good kid when it was just the three of us.

here ye, here ye, the girl children of the Michalowsky family uprooted and thrown into trash bin as newer generation of hyperactive boys rush in - lone survivor treated as babysitter slave and entertainment.

ps. my 6 year old cousin cheats at Operation and my 1 1/2 year old halfbrother didn't want me to pick him up.

merry christmas.
1 I think are in my tree

[December 20th]

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.

you know you're a geek when you're mother gets you a Leonardo da Vinci action figure and a mug with Terry Gilliam's version of the Mona Lisa of it.

i'm glad she knows me so well.
4 I think are in my tree

blood. [December 18th]
i am waiting.

i have a doctor's appointment with the specialist for the second time at 11.30
and i distinctly remember him saying 'during your winter break we'll get you to do another blood test'

oh god, i hate blood tests.
even though they -really- aren't that bad.
i just psych myself out.
and hyperventilate.
and have to lie down.
and close my eyes.
and hum Beatles songs in my head.

but, i do not, as Sam said last night, faint.
i have never fainted in my life, i do not intend to start now after i've already had multiple blood tests.

0 I think are in my tree

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